Dr. Stern reminded me of the most fundamental survival technique right now: stay true to you and you will prevail. “I will not use the word victorious,” he stated simply, “because to be a victor, you must engage in battle, and you are far too intelligent and resolute for that. At the end of the day, vengeance brings no joy to one’s life.” Wow.
Words are powerful things. Frankly, as I embark on the next phase of my life, I am banking on it. For a long time, they broke me. Not anymore. I realized that I am a work in progress some time ago with the intent to always keep growing and changing. I love the written word and the impact it can have. But whether written, spoken or sung, the stringing of words into the messages we intend can break or enhance someone’s spirit.
So, in the grand scheme of things, what does this all mean? I’ve been over-analyzing it all day to no avail. We are so disconnected, but not misdirected. So quick in passing judgement only destined to be buried in our memories. Some thinking they will live forever, just to die an vain
I want sincerity in my life and won’t settle for anything less anymore. I am finally realizing that there are others out there just like me. I was just looking in all the wrong places. I was so fixated on saving or proving myself to the uncaring ones that the boats carrying the real deal kept sailing right on by. I was so fixated on the “why am I not good enough” that I think I missed the message that has just been illuminated before my very eyes…true goodness is intimidating, and those willing to embrace it must first possess it themselves.
Sometimes I do feel like giving up. Throwing my hands in the air and admitting defeat. Not literally, of course, for this life has too much to offer, but mentally. Spiritually. Even physically. Curl into to a ball on my bed, pull the covers over my head and stay for a day. Or two. Or a week. But I don’t. Can’t. Won’t. I have too many people depending on me, most of all myself. The greatest lesson I learned in this life of mine is that I am not a quitter – I am a survivor. A fighter. A believer. In life that the only thing certain is uncertainty, what a cliche’.
I am a complicated person, but I am not damned to be held down by regret during this lifetime I have been given for the things I have said and written, during times of anger, crisis and even self discovery.
My present demeanor may be disheveled at times, but my memory is sharp as a tack and always has been. I know emotion is one of my greatest struggles, especially right now when things in my life feel impossible. I think about my past in an attempt to make sense of all the awful feelings of resentment towards my ex in my everyday challenge overcoming the injustices in my life.
Some people would say be careful how you say it, truthfully i agree and know no one knows the power of words as much as me. . I do, from time to time, stop and take note of all the time I spend thinking about the past or worrying about the future, which makes me stop and consider how much effort I’m giving to the now. Life matters. Im a mother learning to be the best I can at the toughest role I’ve ever known. It is lonely, scary and thankless a lot of the time, but having kids has taught me so much about the world. Like for instance, the world DOES NOT revolve around me (blew my mind)
Some nights I sit in a haze of mild anxiety. I wonder “What the hell am I doing?
I’m sick of hiding behind a mask, I’m sick of walking on egg shells. I will keep writing and I will probably get it wrong a few more times yet, but I will not be sitting in a corner.
I lost my right to be a mother a over a year ago in hinds county chancery court with Judge Denise S Owens based on nothing but down right dirty tactics, false allegations about my parenting ability and slanderous fabricated stories, twisted facts accompanied by complete disregard for personal accountability made by both the father of my child and his attorney I have fought since then to not allow my daughter to be deprived of her mother. All the while constantly being denied my court ordered visitation right, my basic fundamental right as a mother.
The denial of child visitation rights are most commonly thought of as situations in which a custodial parent blatantly refuses to allow the non-custodial parent to see the child. A typical example of this scenario would be when a mother, who has full custody of her son, refuses to let the son get into his father’s car when his father comes to pick him up for his visitation period. However, visitation rights can also be illegally denied in more subtle ways.
For example, it is also illegal for a custodial parent to refuse visitation rights on the basis that they don’t like the non-custodial parent’s significant other; the child is sick; the child is visiting relatives; the child is out of town or at another scheduled activity; or for almost any other basis. Further, in cases where there is an emergency just before a scheduled visitation, such as when the child must be taken to the hospital, the noncustodial parent should be notified so that they may visit the child there.
Not to mention I still have another child at home to care for. Yes, a six-year-old whose own world, by the way, came crashing down with the emotional trauma from losing her baby sister, to remove my youngest from my care, giving custody to the abusive narcissistic father. So that my bright, once happy child now struggles in understanding the why’s.
Sadly, as I write and post an overwhelming fear is that it will be used against me. Every single step I take I know is scrutinized. Used. I’m afraid to have the wrong brand of milk in the fridge, for surely that can be woven into some type of negligence claim. Not that any of it proves valid, but battle is exhausting. That’s the point. The person with the resolve and the deepest pockets is usually left standing. Exhaust your opponent and they will retreat. I can’t. Won’t. I know this about myself, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t agony. I wish I could shake my pom-poms for you all and send out a cheer for perseverance, but I, too, am human and have dark days.
I think judgment is a cover-up. For jealousy. Inadequacy. Loathing. If you judge, peel back the layers of it and examine its roots and it’s really about you and it sickens me every time I edit these posts before uploading them – checking for facts, or even thoughts that could be misconstrued or twisted into a weapon to be used when I sit on that stand. I choose my words very carefully. I realized no matter what I do or say, honest or edited, when malice wants, malice gets. I am reeling from another strategic, vindictive maneuver this week awe-struck by the capabilities of true malice. For me, goodness is the absence of malice. But no matter what I say, it still can be twisted for self-serving warfare, but with the hopes it really makes a difference for you in knowing my truths, I will write. That’s why I am here – so I can share my truth!
Originally posted on SERENDIPITY:
We spend too much time trying to figure out what life means and too little time doing the stuff we enjoy. I suppose it’s normal to wonder if the reason you are sick, broke, or miserable is the result of something you did or failed to do. Normal, but a waste of time and energy because I’m going to explain everything and you’ll never have to wonder again.
Learning to accept the total randomness of stuff that happens is difficult. We want it to make sense. We want order. We want this mess we call life to mean something important.
I’ve put a good bit of thought into why my life keeps falling apart. I know I’m not perfect, but whatever I’ve done wrong, it’s pretty small potatoes in the scheme of things. It’s hard for me to believe, even in my darkest moments I’m so wicked that The Big Guy has in for…
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